The Cancer Diagnosis: Innocence Phase in the Cancer Journey
I was waiting for the results of a biopsy taken from my colonoscopy a few days prior. It was a normal day at work but a phone call would change my whole life. Little did I know this was the start of my cancer journey, the Innocence phase.
The Phone Call
When my diagnosis was shared with me I knew exactly where I was, and how I felt (that feeling never leaves you). Standing in the work area amongst coworkers I hung up the phone and couldn’t believe what I just heard. I didn’t skip a beat and continued on with my duties, taking care of patients/caring for others while trying to comprehend what I just learned.
During the call I was told the surgery department would be calling me to set up an appointment. I remember wondering why I was seeing a surgeon, why not the Oncologist? He was the cancer doctor after all!!
I don’t remember much of the rest of my work day, I must have been on autopilot. I left work after my shift driving home wondering, “HOW am I going to tell my family?!”
I woke the next day and the words were there in my head: The tumor was “malignant.” I knew what that word meant, but didn’t really believe it. I took care of hundreds of patients who had cancer, but didn’t think it would ever be me.
The First Appointment
That first appointment was like a whirlwind. If you’ve been in my shoes, you know this!
I didn’t know how to prepare for this kind of appointment, so I went into it without expectation. I knew there was a malignant tumor inside me and nothing more. I also knew I would be in good hands as I had worked closely with this doctor. I saw him taking care of patients many times and knew he was an excellent surgeon.
There was so much information…I would need more testing, blood work…and I needed a CT scan (I couldn’t help but think, “my coworkers would be performing that on me”). Before surgery I would need to have a pre-op office visit with my general practitioner, I would need to pick up a prescription before my surgery, AND…I would have to wait 3 weeks for the surgery.
I remember the shock of having to wait for my surgery (the surgeon was going to be out of the office during this time). I looked at the doctor and quickly said, “won’t the cancer spread all over my body in three weeks?” I had been working in healthcare for years and had behind the scenes knowledge and understanding. I was grateful for all I knew, but on the other hand, did I know too much? With every bit of compassion the surgeon looked at me and said “it will be okay.”
I left that appointment and wondered how I was going to function for three weeks while a cancerous tumor was inside me. I could’t help envision it spreading to all my organs in that time frame. It would be a constant, nagging thought…if I let it be!
Time Marches On…
The days/weeks went by with so much to think about…so much to do! Not only was I diagnosed with cancer, but we just sold our house and were moving into a new one. I had also recently accepted a leadership position in the department I worked in. There was so much work to do on our new house before moving in. In addition, I was also helping my mother move into a new home she recently bought.
I didn’t realize at the time that a cancer journey isn’t different than any other life experience and there are phases that one goes through. I had just moved into the Initiation stage of the cancer Journey. To learn about the cancer journey itself, you can find the Cancer Journey Roadmap here.
I write this blog to bring awareness of the phases one goes through in a cancer experience. It was years after my personal experience that I learned of the roadmap and how it guides the journey and healing. Not only the individual with the diagnosis but the family and caregiver also ride the wave. Working behind the scenes in the healthcare setting offered me a different perspective, one of clinical healing. Wouldn’t it be incredible to have the clinical and emotional healing coincide?
That’s why I now offer Cancer Doula services. To be that bridge between clinical and emotional healing.